Something I sent to a friend. I know it didn't come from me but this is how I truly feel.
I can honestly say I am truly happy. My happiness has finally come from within. It has nothing to with anyone. Who knew (probably millions of people lol) that truly turning to my Heavenly Father and actually listening to Him, making changes (no matter how hard), serving others, getting on the right meds lol, and getting out of my apartment regularly would help me with this. My family has never seen or heard me like this before. Even when life feels like it is falling apart I know I can make it through. Since my heart opened I have experience pain beyond belief and joy greater than imaginable. Heavenly Father is amazing the things he can do with someone so broken but willing to change. Thank you for being part of my life and helping me through so much.
I am truly grateful for my Heavenly Father, the Savior, my family, and friends. They are amazing people.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Monday, February 16, 2015
Amazing
This has been a very hard but very amazing journey. When I first started this journey I want to have the man I love decide he wanted to be with me. Don't get me wrong, I still want that, but over the last month, the desires I have, has changed.
I am not sure how or when exactly things changed. I went from being selfish to desiring the things my Father in Heaven wanted. I prayed that the man I love would come back to me. Now I pray that he will truly have the opportunity to hear the gospel. I have no doubt that he will accept it. There have been many things that I have done to help him have that opportunity.
One night about a month ago, I was sitting in my living room. I had this strong desire to pray. When I was done praying, I had this overwhelming feeling to call the temple and put his name on the prayer roll. I knew that the Logan Temple was closed. I knew I had the Billings Temple phone number in my phone. I called and left his and my name on the answering machine for the prayer roll. When I hung up, I remembered that the message said they would open on Tuesday. This was a Thursday night. I thought, ok, it can wait until Tuesday. Then I kept getting the thought, no call and get your names on the roll. I looked up lds.org and found the list of temples. The first US temple I came to was Anchorage Alaska. I called immediately and placed our names on the prayer roll. I instantly felt so much better. On the Sunday after, I talked to the bishop and told him of my experience. He said, you can put your names in as many temples as you want. He said his wife put their son's name in 9 temples. So on Monday I called more temples. There were a total of 15. I decided on Wednesday that I would call all the temples in the US. With some closed for maintenance, I called 63. I created a a spreadsheet so I know what temples I called and when. Later I added the maintenance schedule so I knew if I should called temples or not.
The first time I called all the temples, I called most earlier in the evening. (01/29/2015) After I got home from an activity I finished calling the temples. After calling one, I all of a sudden felt/had thoughts come in my mind, why are you doing this? You know it isn't real. It doesn't help anything. I stopped and and thought, what is going on. Of course it works, it matters, and it is real. I then called another temple. Before those thoughts came to me I felt fine and knew what I was doing was right. After those thoughts left and I called more temples, I felt better. I knew then that satan was trying to get me to stop doing things that Heavenly Father wanted me to do. Things I wanted to do to help the man I love and help myself so we could be closer to the Savior and Heavenly Father.
Then on Friday, (01/30/2015) I slept in as I was getting sick and wanted to prevent it from getting bad. I was laying on my side and half asleep and half awake. I felt like someone got on my bed. For a brief second I thought, is the man I love here? Then I immediately thought, what am I thinking, of course he's not here. I thought I imagined it. Then I felt it again, and I was scared. I didn't think I was going to be killed or harmed physically in any way. But I was scared. Then it felt like one hand was put on one side of me and the other hand put on the other side of me. I couldn't move or open my eyes. I am not sure how, but I knew whoever it was, was a male. Then he put his mouth near my ear. I couldn't understand what he was saying, but he was very, very angry. I prayed in my head and said, I'm not sure how to word it, but please make satan and his followers leave. The feeling and person went away. After a short time I was able to open my eyes and move. I was calm but still felt somewhat scared. I closed my eyes again and dozed off. Just before I got up, I had the scared sensation again for a split second. I prayed again that they would leave. They did. I got up and went to work.
I went and talked to my friend Jenn, while at work. I told her of my 2 experiences. As I was talking to her, I said, I know satan is angry with me because I am doing what I feel I need to and what I feel is right for the man I love. I know that if he has a true opportunity to learn of the gospel, he will accept it. He will accept it and be a great member and learn and grow. Without even thinking I also added, he will do family history and imagine how many people are on the other side waiting for him. I stopped talking and looked at Jenn and said, that is the first time I considered that. It was eye opening. I always knew that he is and would be an amazing man. He would be able to learn about his salvation and do something about it. Then when I had that moment of clarity, I knew that was something he would be so great at. He would be able to help hundreds and even thousands of people have the opportunity for salvation. I am not sure when, a few days or week later, I had that same clarity that he would be able to help his friends and their families accept the gospel and help with their salvation as well. That is why satan was so angry. I can see all the people he would be able to help and be there for.
Just before all of this happened, I showed up at his work and visited him. It was a weird visit. I knew he was glad to see me, but I think uncomfortable at the same time. We talked. He seemed fine but nothing big. I thought, well maybe he doesn't want to see me or spend any time with me anymore, as friends. As I was driving home I started praying. I was saying, why would I feel this way if it is wrong? I don't understand. I called Jenn and told her about my visit. She knew that going and visiting him was important to me and that I felt like I needed to, I had prayed about it several times. I told Jenn I knew he wasn't going to profess his undying love for me, but I had hoped it would go better than it had. Jenn said that it was important for me to go since I felt it was. The reason for me going was just different than I had thought. It was something that I may not know what that reason was. After hanging up I felt so much better. I know she is in tune with the Spirit and I know that Heavenly Father has put her in my life for so many reasons and this is one of them. She has been the best friend I need and want.
I have continually prayed and fasted for the man I love. I pray daily that he will have the true opportunity of the gospel in his life. I pray that he will feel the Spirit and remember when he felt it before and desire to have it with him.
I am not sure how or when exactly things changed. I went from being selfish to desiring the things my Father in Heaven wanted. I prayed that the man I love would come back to me. Now I pray that he will truly have the opportunity to hear the gospel. I have no doubt that he will accept it. There have been many things that I have done to help him have that opportunity.
One night about a month ago, I was sitting in my living room. I had this strong desire to pray. When I was done praying, I had this overwhelming feeling to call the temple and put his name on the prayer roll. I knew that the Logan Temple was closed. I knew I had the Billings Temple phone number in my phone. I called and left his and my name on the answering machine for the prayer roll. When I hung up, I remembered that the message said they would open on Tuesday. This was a Thursday night. I thought, ok, it can wait until Tuesday. Then I kept getting the thought, no call and get your names on the roll. I looked up lds.org and found the list of temples. The first US temple I came to was Anchorage Alaska. I called immediately and placed our names on the prayer roll. I instantly felt so much better. On the Sunday after, I talked to the bishop and told him of my experience. He said, you can put your names in as many temples as you want. He said his wife put their son's name in 9 temples. So on Monday I called more temples. There were a total of 15. I decided on Wednesday that I would call all the temples in the US. With some closed for maintenance, I called 63. I created a a spreadsheet so I know what temples I called and when. Later I added the maintenance schedule so I knew if I should called temples or not.
The first time I called all the temples, I called most earlier in the evening. (01/29/2015) After I got home from an activity I finished calling the temples. After calling one, I all of a sudden felt/had thoughts come in my mind, why are you doing this? You know it isn't real. It doesn't help anything. I stopped and and thought, what is going on. Of course it works, it matters, and it is real. I then called another temple. Before those thoughts came to me I felt fine and knew what I was doing was right. After those thoughts left and I called more temples, I felt better. I knew then that satan was trying to get me to stop doing things that Heavenly Father wanted me to do. Things I wanted to do to help the man I love and help myself so we could be closer to the Savior and Heavenly Father.
Then on Friday, (01/30/2015) I slept in as I was getting sick and wanted to prevent it from getting bad. I was laying on my side and half asleep and half awake. I felt like someone got on my bed. For a brief second I thought, is the man I love here? Then I immediately thought, what am I thinking, of course he's not here. I thought I imagined it. Then I felt it again, and I was scared. I didn't think I was going to be killed or harmed physically in any way. But I was scared. Then it felt like one hand was put on one side of me and the other hand put on the other side of me. I couldn't move or open my eyes. I am not sure how, but I knew whoever it was, was a male. Then he put his mouth near my ear. I couldn't understand what he was saying, but he was very, very angry. I prayed in my head and said, I'm not sure how to word it, but please make satan and his followers leave. The feeling and person went away. After a short time I was able to open my eyes and move. I was calm but still felt somewhat scared. I closed my eyes again and dozed off. Just before I got up, I had the scared sensation again for a split second. I prayed again that they would leave. They did. I got up and went to work.
I went and talked to my friend Jenn, while at work. I told her of my 2 experiences. As I was talking to her, I said, I know satan is angry with me because I am doing what I feel I need to and what I feel is right for the man I love. I know that if he has a true opportunity to learn of the gospel, he will accept it. He will accept it and be a great member and learn and grow. Without even thinking I also added, he will do family history and imagine how many people are on the other side waiting for him. I stopped talking and looked at Jenn and said, that is the first time I considered that. It was eye opening. I always knew that he is and would be an amazing man. He would be able to learn about his salvation and do something about it. Then when I had that moment of clarity, I knew that was something he would be so great at. He would be able to help hundreds and even thousands of people have the opportunity for salvation. I am not sure when, a few days or week later, I had that same clarity that he would be able to help his friends and their families accept the gospel and help with their salvation as well. That is why satan was so angry. I can see all the people he would be able to help and be there for.
Just before all of this happened, I showed up at his work and visited him. It was a weird visit. I knew he was glad to see me, but I think uncomfortable at the same time. We talked. He seemed fine but nothing big. I thought, well maybe he doesn't want to see me or spend any time with me anymore, as friends. As I was driving home I started praying. I was saying, why would I feel this way if it is wrong? I don't understand. I called Jenn and told her about my visit. She knew that going and visiting him was important to me and that I felt like I needed to, I had prayed about it several times. I told Jenn I knew he wasn't going to profess his undying love for me, but I had hoped it would go better than it had. Jenn said that it was important for me to go since I felt it was. The reason for me going was just different than I had thought. It was something that I may not know what that reason was. After hanging up I felt so much better. I know she is in tune with the Spirit and I know that Heavenly Father has put her in my life for so many reasons and this is one of them. She has been the best friend I need and want.
I have continually prayed and fasted for the man I love. I pray daily that he will have the true opportunity of the gospel in his life. I pray that he will feel the Spirit and remember when he felt it before and desire to have it with him.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Interesting
The last few weeks have been very interesting. Extremely hard, but a huge learning opportunity.
My heart was opened and I fully realized the love I have for an amazing man. I knew I loved him and wanted to be with him, but I thought if it isn't right to be together, which I thought, then he should be with someone else. I was so wrong.
I fasted and prayed a week and a half ago and said, I want to be with him and I want him to want to be with me. I prayed to know if he was right for me. I felt good. When I was in church I prayed and asked again, and the joy I felt was almost overwhelming. I couldn't believe how I felt. It was so amazing. I didn't trust myself though. I met with the bishop and asked him about everything. As soon as the prayer was over he said, I have this impression to tell you that you will be alright. I was glad, but as he also stated, he didn't know what that meant as far as how things would turn out.
During the week I went down and saw the most amazing guy for his lunch break. I thought I would be there for half hour is all. I ended up being there for almost 2 1/2 hours. We talked and laughed. I even followed him around at work. It was amazing. Just being with him was beyond great. He gave me a hug that lasted. I didn't want it to end. Talking to him makes me smile.
As I reluctantly drove home, I prayed out loud the whole way. Sharing my gratitude. I even cried for the first time from pure joy and happiness. I couldn't believe that. After I got home we went on voxer for an hour and a half. At one point he said he was glad I felt comfortable with him and could cry in front of him. He said he liked to wipe away my tears. My heart went even further in love with this man.
Today he wasn't really talkative, via texting. I asked if he was ok. He said he was tired. I wanted to make a bed for him and stroke his head as he fell asleep. Put my arms around him so he knows how much he is loved.
Right now I am trying so hard to have patience, faith, and hope. I know things will work out. I just don't know what that means. I want so much to be the one that wipes his tears and holds him when he is sad and having a rough time. I want to be there and put that amazing smile on his face. Share all the amazing times together. I want to hold him as he falls asleep.
I have never felt so helpless and vulnerable as I do now. Right now the only things I can do is pray (real hard), fast, be patient, have faith, and hope.
I know he is the man for me and I know he has felt I am the woman for him. I love him so much my heart breaks more and more the longer we are apart.
My heart was opened and I fully realized the love I have for an amazing man. I knew I loved him and wanted to be with him, but I thought if it isn't right to be together, which I thought, then he should be with someone else. I was so wrong.
I fasted and prayed a week and a half ago and said, I want to be with him and I want him to want to be with me. I prayed to know if he was right for me. I felt good. When I was in church I prayed and asked again, and the joy I felt was almost overwhelming. I couldn't believe how I felt. It was so amazing. I didn't trust myself though. I met with the bishop and asked him about everything. As soon as the prayer was over he said, I have this impression to tell you that you will be alright. I was glad, but as he also stated, he didn't know what that meant as far as how things would turn out.
During the week I went down and saw the most amazing guy for his lunch break. I thought I would be there for half hour is all. I ended up being there for almost 2 1/2 hours. We talked and laughed. I even followed him around at work. It was amazing. Just being with him was beyond great. He gave me a hug that lasted. I didn't want it to end. Talking to him makes me smile.
As I reluctantly drove home, I prayed out loud the whole way. Sharing my gratitude. I even cried for the first time from pure joy and happiness. I couldn't believe that. After I got home we went on voxer for an hour and a half. At one point he said he was glad I felt comfortable with him and could cry in front of him. He said he liked to wipe away my tears. My heart went even further in love with this man.
Today he wasn't really talkative, via texting. I asked if he was ok. He said he was tired. I wanted to make a bed for him and stroke his head as he fell asleep. Put my arms around him so he knows how much he is loved.
Right now I am trying so hard to have patience, faith, and hope. I know things will work out. I just don't know what that means. I want so much to be the one that wipes his tears and holds him when he is sad and having a rough time. I want to be there and put that amazing smile on his face. Share all the amazing times together. I want to hold him as he falls asleep.
I have never felt so helpless and vulnerable as I do now. Right now the only things I can do is pray (real hard), fast, be patient, have faith, and hope.
I know he is the man for me and I know he has felt I am the woman for him. I love him so much my heart breaks more and more the longer we are apart.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Learn
The last couple of weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. I went from being closed off emotionally, my heart closed, to having it open, very much open. I thought something was wrong with me. Why was I so emotional. Literally crying a lot, daily. I finally felt what it was like to truly be in love with someone. I thought I already knew what that felt like, man was I wrong. I told him how I felt and my thoughts all along. We shall see what happens, it is still up in the air. He has to learn to trust that I am not going away and that I truly do love him. I learned, I love him so much, that if I have to let him go so he can be happy, I will. (it won't be easy by any means). I just know his happiness means that much to me. Because of this not knowing, I went from being in love and an open heart, to being in love, an open heart, and heart broken (for now). A VERY painful experience.
I have prayed more than I ever have, will a sincere heart and real intent. I have prayed for peace and comfort. I have prayed to keep my heart open (I want to close it at times. Sometimes it is all I can do to keep it open). I know closing my heart will not be the best, it will put me back where I started and I don't want that. I want to be a better person and love.
I have learned and felt many things throughout this process:
faith
patience
service
kindness
love (for everyone)
Love from my Heavenly Father and the Savior
peace
comfort
better understanding
forgiveness (mostly of myself)
I have realized that I not only love an amazing man, but I love my family more than I thought possible. They are always there for me. They love me and serve me in so many ways. I thought the love I had for them was real, true love. It was, but only in a small capacity. I love them more than I can describe. I have a greater respect for my friends. They have been serving me and helping me throughout this process. I have never LET them do this for me before. I knew I had great and amazing friends, but that is nothing compared to what they truly are. I have people trying to keep me busy and my mind preoccupied so I don't go crazy wondering when he will come back to me.
I have learned I have a great desire to serve people. I pray daily, several times a day asking who I can serve and how. It is amazing the opportunities I have. For me it may seem like a simple thing to do, to help someone, but for them it may be a big deal. Other times it may not be that big of a deal for them, but it is a huge deal for me. I love seeing their face when they have been helped. I don't want or expect praises from anyone. I want them to know they are loved, thought of, cared for, and they matter. Heavenly Father loves them and I am learning to love them as well. I now pray for opportunities to be the answer to someones prayer, in a way I can serve them. I do ask to know how I can be there for my best friend, and (hope) the man of my future. I want to know what I can do, how I can do it, what I can say, and how I can say it. I want to make sure he knows how I feel and that I am not going to "change" my mind and/or go away.
Since I have been praying and sincerely searching things out, I have had many great experiences. I have been happier than I have ever been. I have been told by my bishop I am not the same person I was even 2 weeks ago. I was told by a friend Jenny, I am a different person, someone she has never seen before. I exude happiness and not anger.
I have been listening to the Book of Mormon on my kindle. I listen to a chapter a night, sometimes more. It is amazing the things we can learn from it. Prayer is the biggest for me right now. Also, following the commandments. That is something I have struggled with but am trying to change. I want to be temple worthy and have a current temple recommend. That is my goal. I want to go to the temple on a regular basis and do the work for those that cannot do it for themselves. I want to partake of the sacrament each week.
I have even decided and asked to be a visiting teacher again. I have been so selfish for so long, I didn't even realize how selfish I was. I am working on that. It is hard, as I feel like serving others I am getting so much out of it that I am being selfish again. The difference I have learned, after talking to the bishop, is I am doing it for others, not for myself, however, it is inevitable I will be blessed because of it. My goal with my best friend, is to let him know how I feel and not only that, but show him how I feel. I want to be there for him, do things for him, make him smile and laugh. Let him know how it truly feels to have someone really love him and be in love with him. He deserves at least that, but so much more. If he will allow me the opportunity to show him these things and be with him, I will be the luckiest woman in the world.
I have prayed more than I ever have, will a sincere heart and real intent. I have prayed for peace and comfort. I have prayed to keep my heart open (I want to close it at times. Sometimes it is all I can do to keep it open). I know closing my heart will not be the best, it will put me back where I started and I don't want that. I want to be a better person and love.
I have learned and felt many things throughout this process:
faith
patience
service
kindness
love (for everyone)
Love from my Heavenly Father and the Savior
peace
comfort
better understanding
forgiveness (mostly of myself)
I have realized that I not only love an amazing man, but I love my family more than I thought possible. They are always there for me. They love me and serve me in so many ways. I thought the love I had for them was real, true love. It was, but only in a small capacity. I love them more than I can describe. I have a greater respect for my friends. They have been serving me and helping me throughout this process. I have never LET them do this for me before. I knew I had great and amazing friends, but that is nothing compared to what they truly are. I have people trying to keep me busy and my mind preoccupied so I don't go crazy wondering when he will come back to me.
I have learned I have a great desire to serve people. I pray daily, several times a day asking who I can serve and how. It is amazing the opportunities I have. For me it may seem like a simple thing to do, to help someone, but for them it may be a big deal. Other times it may not be that big of a deal for them, but it is a huge deal for me. I love seeing their face when they have been helped. I don't want or expect praises from anyone. I want them to know they are loved, thought of, cared for, and they matter. Heavenly Father loves them and I am learning to love them as well. I now pray for opportunities to be the answer to someones prayer, in a way I can serve them. I do ask to know how I can be there for my best friend, and (hope) the man of my future. I want to know what I can do, how I can do it, what I can say, and how I can say it. I want to make sure he knows how I feel and that I am not going to "change" my mind and/or go away.
Since I have been praying and sincerely searching things out, I have had many great experiences. I have been happier than I have ever been. I have been told by my bishop I am not the same person I was even 2 weeks ago. I was told by a friend Jenny, I am a different person, someone she has never seen before. I exude happiness and not anger.
I have been listening to the Book of Mormon on my kindle. I listen to a chapter a night, sometimes more. It is amazing the things we can learn from it. Prayer is the biggest for me right now. Also, following the commandments. That is something I have struggled with but am trying to change. I want to be temple worthy and have a current temple recommend. That is my goal. I want to go to the temple on a regular basis and do the work for those that cannot do it for themselves. I want to partake of the sacrament each week.
I have even decided and asked to be a visiting teacher again. I have been so selfish for so long, I didn't even realize how selfish I was. I am working on that. It is hard, as I feel like serving others I am getting so much out of it that I am being selfish again. The difference I have learned, after talking to the bishop, is I am doing it for others, not for myself, however, it is inevitable I will be blessed because of it. My goal with my best friend, is to let him know how I feel and not only that, but show him how I feel. I want to be there for him, do things for him, make him smile and laugh. Let him know how it truly feels to have someone really love him and be in love with him. He deserves at least that, but so much more. If he will allow me the opportunity to show him these things and be with him, I will be the luckiest woman in the world.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
First Mistake
At the beginning of May, I broke up with him. I kept telling myself, it isn't right between us for long term. I knew he was hurting. I felt horrible. We continued to stay friends. We would text everyday. After a few weeks, we even spent time together. We continued to do this. We would text daily and then see each other every few weeks. I missed him, but I kept saying, I don't think it is right for long term. (Oh how I was fooling myself and being so stupid). I would even remind him that we were just friends, with some benefits.
When he would come up, I looked forward to it, every time. I would see his face and his smile and my heart would melt. Some days he would be at home waiting for me to get off work. I loved it. I would get butterflies. His hugs are great. His has strong arms and gives big hugs. His heart is so big.
We would sit on the couch and watch tv or a movie and were so comfortable with each other. When my knee was bothering me he would have me put my leg across his lap and he would lightly massage my leg. His touch was so gentle and soft. He would hold my hand. I love holding his hand. I feel safe when I am with him.
He went with me to see my great aunt when she lived at an assisted living place. I can't describe how special and important that was to me. I love her and used to visit her when she was still living at home. Then after she moved to the assisted living place, I went down and saw her as well. One time he went with me. It was the most amazing thing to have that support. All I wanted to do was be with him and help him through whatever difficult times he had. I wanted to share the laughs and good times. If I could make him smile, that is all that mattered. I want him happy and I want to do whatever I can to make him happy.
We went on like this for a year and a half. I knew that I wouldn't be able to move on to anyone else. I kept saying we weren't right for long term, but I didn't want to be with anyone else.
In October 2014, I noticed that I started to feel a change within me. I didn't know what was going on. So I kept plugging away at life and would see him every so often. I wanted to see him more and more. Then thinking back, even though I knew I was hurting him, which is not at all what I wanted to do, I wanted to be with him. I did it by continuing to see him and be with him, but not commit. I realized that the change within me actually started long before October.
I fell in love with him after only a few months together. I finally started to realize how I truly felt. My feelings for him have not changed in the sense that I have loved him forever. They have changed by the love growing and growing. The more I was away from him, the more I wanted to see him and be with him. His laugh and smile truly made me fall more and more in love with him.
In November, I received a blessing and in that blessing, I was told that I needed to open my heart. I was confused because I figured my heart was already open. I was still fooling myself and I didn't realize it.
I should never have broke up with him. That was the first HUGE mistake I made. The second was not letting him know how I felt. I was afraid. So afraid. I'm not good enough, he deserves better, he will change his mind. I have people leave my life regularly, this has happened ever since I was a kid. Why would he stay? The longer he stays and the more he gets to know me, he will for sure leave. So instead, I pushed him away. He continued to stick by me and have faith in me. What was wrong with me? Why did I let the best man leave my life?
When he would come up, I looked forward to it, every time. I would see his face and his smile and my heart would melt. Some days he would be at home waiting for me to get off work. I loved it. I would get butterflies. His hugs are great. His has strong arms and gives big hugs. His heart is so big.
We would sit on the couch and watch tv or a movie and were so comfortable with each other. When my knee was bothering me he would have me put my leg across his lap and he would lightly massage my leg. His touch was so gentle and soft. He would hold my hand. I love holding his hand. I feel safe when I am with him.
He went with me to see my great aunt when she lived at an assisted living place. I can't describe how special and important that was to me. I love her and used to visit her when she was still living at home. Then after she moved to the assisted living place, I went down and saw her as well. One time he went with me. It was the most amazing thing to have that support. All I wanted to do was be with him and help him through whatever difficult times he had. I wanted to share the laughs and good times. If I could make him smile, that is all that mattered. I want him happy and I want to do whatever I can to make him happy.
We went on like this for a year and a half. I knew that I wouldn't be able to move on to anyone else. I kept saying we weren't right for long term, but I didn't want to be with anyone else.
In October 2014, I noticed that I started to feel a change within me. I didn't know what was going on. So I kept plugging away at life and would see him every so often. I wanted to see him more and more. Then thinking back, even though I knew I was hurting him, which is not at all what I wanted to do, I wanted to be with him. I did it by continuing to see him and be with him, but not commit. I realized that the change within me actually started long before October.
I fell in love with him after only a few months together. I finally started to realize how I truly felt. My feelings for him have not changed in the sense that I have loved him forever. They have changed by the love growing and growing. The more I was away from him, the more I wanted to see him and be with him. His laugh and smile truly made me fall more and more in love with him.
In November, I received a blessing and in that blessing, I was told that I needed to open my heart. I was confused because I figured my heart was already open. I was still fooling myself and I didn't realize it.
I should never have broke up with him. That was the first HUGE mistake I made. The second was not letting him know how I felt. I was afraid. So afraid. I'm not good enough, he deserves better, he will change his mind. I have people leave my life regularly, this has happened ever since I was a kid. Why would he stay? The longer he stays and the more he gets to know me, he will for sure leave. So instead, I pushed him away. He continued to stick by me and have faith in me. What was wrong with me? Why did I let the best man leave my life?
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Realization
I met him from an online website in March 2012. He wanted to meet me. I was a bit surprised. He seemed like a great guy, why would he want to meet me? He knew what I looked like and we had chatted and he knew a tad of my personality.
When he first got to my place, I met him outside and he gave me a hug. We went to dinner and then watched a movie. We talked a lot. It was nice. After he left, he still wanted to see me again and get to know more about me. What was he thinking? Did he not know that guys aren't supposed to be interested in me? Especially a guy like him? So kind, patient, accepting, and understanding?
Over the next few months, we got to spend time together and talk a lot. I had several times where I was scared and thought it was better to end the relationship. He knew I was just scared so he stuck by me. He is so patient. He took me to my first rock concert :) It was so fun. Being with him and sharing that time. I love his smile. I was smiling and felt at peace.
Finally, I decided to overcome my fear and jump in. I knew then that I wanted to be with him. Oh how I wish I knew how to tell him that. I did text him my ring size, lol. We continued to date for months.
We got to spend Christmas together that year. I went to his home, he lived with his family at the time. They accepted me. His sister became my friend instantly. I got a long well with his mom. Before I met her she couldn't remember my name and called me Mildred and Molly. Hahahahahahaha.
In February he came with me to see my family. I was excited and nervous. I wanted him to like my family. I wanted my family to like him. I already knew they would all like each other, after all I do know them all - lol. It was a fun weekend. I was so grateful he went with me. Those hours of driving and just being with him was amazing. He always could make me smile and laugh.
When he first got to my place, I met him outside and he gave me a hug. We went to dinner and then watched a movie. We talked a lot. It was nice. After he left, he still wanted to see me again and get to know more about me. What was he thinking? Did he not know that guys aren't supposed to be interested in me? Especially a guy like him? So kind, patient, accepting, and understanding?
Over the next few months, we got to spend time together and talk a lot. I had several times where I was scared and thought it was better to end the relationship. He knew I was just scared so he stuck by me. He is so patient. He took me to my first rock concert :) It was so fun. Being with him and sharing that time. I love his smile. I was smiling and felt at peace.
Finally, I decided to overcome my fear and jump in. I knew then that I wanted to be with him. Oh how I wish I knew how to tell him that. I did text him my ring size, lol. We continued to date for months.
We got to spend Christmas together that year. I went to his home, he lived with his family at the time. They accepted me. His sister became my friend instantly. I got a long well with his mom. Before I met her she couldn't remember my name and called me Mildred and Molly. Hahahahahahaha.
In February he came with me to see my family. I was excited and nervous. I wanted him to like my family. I wanted my family to like him. I already knew they would all like each other, after all I do know them all - lol. It was a fun weekend. I was so grateful he went with me. Those hours of driving and just being with him was amazing. He always could make me smile and laugh.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Love
Who knew I had feelings? That is a question I have asked myself many times lately. I have pushed my feelings and emotions down for so long, I did not think they would ever see the light of day. Well, with the exception of anger that is. Oh how I was wrong. My heart has been opened. I went from not feeling a lot, or what I thought was not a lot, to my heart bursting with love.
Over the last many, many years, I have taught and trained myself to not show emotion, feel anything positive, or give myself to others. Oh how I have been wrong in doing so. Feeling love and showing it, is the only thing that is important. Life is so much better for not only me, but those around me.
I have finally found, and realized, I not only love a great man, but am IN love with him. He has treated me so amazing, I cannot even describe it. He treated me better than royalty. As much as I pushed him away, because I wouldn't allow myself to feel (but I did feel, I just didn't know what to do with it) he was there. He didn't give up on me. I sadly, do not feel I deserve such a great man. I did not know how to truly love and did not know how to show it. Now that my heart is open, which I didn't think possible, I have finally done a great job of pushing him away. He has opened something nobody else could even begin to do. I joke that I don't have a heart or it is black, frozen, and encased in ice.
My feelings started coming out, that I noticed, in October. I have always loved to spend time with him. We get a long, tease, laugh, and now cry together. He is truly the man I want to be with.
My heart swells with love and my smile grows bigger with the thought of him:
Coming home to me
Walking in the door
Holding my hand
Hugging me
Kissing me
Looking at me and smiling (I say what are you looking at, he smiles and says just you, you are beautiful)
Holding me
I then realized, everything is about me. I don't want everything about me. I have done so many things to push him away and didn't even realize it. Oh how could I be so stupid. The man I love is right there, and I do everything to push him away, because of fear.
I'm not good enough
My love doesn't matter
He could do so much better
He doesn't really want me
I don't want it all about me. The things I want so much for him are:
To be happy
To smile
To feel unconditional love
To be held
To be safe
To come home to a safe and happy place
To be kissed from his love
To be told how he is handsome, cute, hot :)
To be made to feel he is special - oh he is so special
To be told how great of a man he is
To be allowed to show and share his love
To have his loves arms around him to comfort him
To feel wanted and desired
To know he is truly a Prince
My biggest desire, which I have never had or felt before, is to be with him. To spend the rest of my life doing those things I want so much for him. I want to make up for all the pain I have caused and then so much more.
Over the last many, many years, I have taught and trained myself to not show emotion, feel anything positive, or give myself to others. Oh how I have been wrong in doing so. Feeling love and showing it, is the only thing that is important. Life is so much better for not only me, but those around me.
I have finally found, and realized, I not only love a great man, but am IN love with him. He has treated me so amazing, I cannot even describe it. He treated me better than royalty. As much as I pushed him away, because I wouldn't allow myself to feel (but I did feel, I just didn't know what to do with it) he was there. He didn't give up on me. I sadly, do not feel I deserve such a great man. I did not know how to truly love and did not know how to show it. Now that my heart is open, which I didn't think possible, I have finally done a great job of pushing him away. He has opened something nobody else could even begin to do. I joke that I don't have a heart or it is black, frozen, and encased in ice.
My feelings started coming out, that I noticed, in October. I have always loved to spend time with him. We get a long, tease, laugh, and now cry together. He is truly the man I want to be with.
My heart swells with love and my smile grows bigger with the thought of him:
Coming home to me
Walking in the door
Holding my hand
Hugging me
Kissing me
Looking at me and smiling (I say what are you looking at, he smiles and says just you, you are beautiful)
Holding me
I then realized, everything is about me. I don't want everything about me. I have done so many things to push him away and didn't even realize it. Oh how could I be so stupid. The man I love is right there, and I do everything to push him away, because of fear.
I'm not good enough
My love doesn't matter
He could do so much better
He doesn't really want me
I don't want it all about me. The things I want so much for him are:
To be happy
To smile
To feel unconditional love
To be held
To be safe
To come home to a safe and happy place
To be kissed from his love
To be told how he is handsome, cute, hot :)
To be made to feel he is special - oh he is so special
To be told how great of a man he is
To be allowed to show and share his love
To have his loves arms around him to comfort him
To feel wanted and desired
To know he is truly a Prince
My biggest desire, which I have never had or felt before, is to be with him. To spend the rest of my life doing those things I want so much for him. I want to make up for all the pain I have caused and then so much more.
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