The last few weeks have been very interesting. Extremely hard, but a huge learning opportunity.
My heart was opened and I fully realized the love I have for an amazing man. I knew I loved him and wanted to be with him, but I thought if it isn't right to be together, which I thought, then he should be with someone else. I was so wrong.
I fasted and prayed a week and a half ago and said, I want to be with him and I want him to want to be with me. I prayed to know if he was right for me. I felt good. When I was in church I prayed and asked again, and the joy I felt was almost overwhelming. I couldn't believe how I felt. It was so amazing. I didn't trust myself though. I met with the bishop and asked him about everything. As soon as the prayer was over he said, I have this impression to tell you that you will be alright. I was glad, but as he also stated, he didn't know what that meant as far as how things would turn out.
During the week I went down and saw the most amazing guy for his lunch break. I thought I would be there for half hour is all. I ended up being there for almost 2 1/2 hours. We talked and laughed. I even followed him around at work. It was amazing. Just being with him was beyond great. He gave me a hug that lasted. I didn't want it to end. Talking to him makes me smile.
As I reluctantly drove home, I prayed out loud the whole way. Sharing my gratitude. I even cried for the first time from pure joy and happiness. I couldn't believe that. After I got home we went on voxer for an hour and a half. At one point he said he was glad I felt comfortable with him and could cry in front of him. He said he liked to wipe away my tears. My heart went even further in love with this man.
Today he wasn't really talkative, via texting. I asked if he was ok. He said he was tired. I wanted to make a bed for him and stroke his head as he fell asleep. Put my arms around him so he knows how much he is loved.
Right now I am trying so hard to have patience, faith, and hope. I know things will work out. I just don't know what that means. I want so much to be the one that wipes his tears and holds him when he is sad and having a rough time. I want to be there and put that amazing smile on his face. Share all the amazing times together. I want to hold him as he falls asleep.
I have never felt so helpless and vulnerable as I do now. Right now the only things I can do is pray (real hard), fast, be patient, have faith, and hope.
I know he is the man for me and I know he has felt I am the woman for him. I love him so much my heart breaks more and more the longer we are apart.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Learn
The last couple of weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. I went from being closed off emotionally, my heart closed, to having it open, very much open. I thought something was wrong with me. Why was I so emotional. Literally crying a lot, daily. I finally felt what it was like to truly be in love with someone. I thought I already knew what that felt like, man was I wrong. I told him how I felt and my thoughts all along. We shall see what happens, it is still up in the air. He has to learn to trust that I am not going away and that I truly do love him. I learned, I love him so much, that if I have to let him go so he can be happy, I will. (it won't be easy by any means). I just know his happiness means that much to me. Because of this not knowing, I went from being in love and an open heart, to being in love, an open heart, and heart broken (for now). A VERY painful experience.
I have prayed more than I ever have, will a sincere heart and real intent. I have prayed for peace and comfort. I have prayed to keep my heart open (I want to close it at times. Sometimes it is all I can do to keep it open). I know closing my heart will not be the best, it will put me back where I started and I don't want that. I want to be a better person and love.
I have learned and felt many things throughout this process:
faith
patience
service
kindness
love (for everyone)
Love from my Heavenly Father and the Savior
peace
comfort
better understanding
forgiveness (mostly of myself)
I have realized that I not only love an amazing man, but I love my family more than I thought possible. They are always there for me. They love me and serve me in so many ways. I thought the love I had for them was real, true love. It was, but only in a small capacity. I love them more than I can describe. I have a greater respect for my friends. They have been serving me and helping me throughout this process. I have never LET them do this for me before. I knew I had great and amazing friends, but that is nothing compared to what they truly are. I have people trying to keep me busy and my mind preoccupied so I don't go crazy wondering when he will come back to me.
I have learned I have a great desire to serve people. I pray daily, several times a day asking who I can serve and how. It is amazing the opportunities I have. For me it may seem like a simple thing to do, to help someone, but for them it may be a big deal. Other times it may not be that big of a deal for them, but it is a huge deal for me. I love seeing their face when they have been helped. I don't want or expect praises from anyone. I want them to know they are loved, thought of, cared for, and they matter. Heavenly Father loves them and I am learning to love them as well. I now pray for opportunities to be the answer to someones prayer, in a way I can serve them. I do ask to know how I can be there for my best friend, and (hope) the man of my future. I want to know what I can do, how I can do it, what I can say, and how I can say it. I want to make sure he knows how I feel and that I am not going to "change" my mind and/or go away.
Since I have been praying and sincerely searching things out, I have had many great experiences. I have been happier than I have ever been. I have been told by my bishop I am not the same person I was even 2 weeks ago. I was told by a friend Jenny, I am a different person, someone she has never seen before. I exude happiness and not anger.
I have been listening to the Book of Mormon on my kindle. I listen to a chapter a night, sometimes more. It is amazing the things we can learn from it. Prayer is the biggest for me right now. Also, following the commandments. That is something I have struggled with but am trying to change. I want to be temple worthy and have a current temple recommend. That is my goal. I want to go to the temple on a regular basis and do the work for those that cannot do it for themselves. I want to partake of the sacrament each week.
I have even decided and asked to be a visiting teacher again. I have been so selfish for so long, I didn't even realize how selfish I was. I am working on that. It is hard, as I feel like serving others I am getting so much out of it that I am being selfish again. The difference I have learned, after talking to the bishop, is I am doing it for others, not for myself, however, it is inevitable I will be blessed because of it. My goal with my best friend, is to let him know how I feel and not only that, but show him how I feel. I want to be there for him, do things for him, make him smile and laugh. Let him know how it truly feels to have someone really love him and be in love with him. He deserves at least that, but so much more. If he will allow me the opportunity to show him these things and be with him, I will be the luckiest woman in the world.
I have prayed more than I ever have, will a sincere heart and real intent. I have prayed for peace and comfort. I have prayed to keep my heart open (I want to close it at times. Sometimes it is all I can do to keep it open). I know closing my heart will not be the best, it will put me back where I started and I don't want that. I want to be a better person and love.
I have learned and felt many things throughout this process:
faith
patience
service
kindness
love (for everyone)
Love from my Heavenly Father and the Savior
peace
comfort
better understanding
forgiveness (mostly of myself)
I have realized that I not only love an amazing man, but I love my family more than I thought possible. They are always there for me. They love me and serve me in so many ways. I thought the love I had for them was real, true love. It was, but only in a small capacity. I love them more than I can describe. I have a greater respect for my friends. They have been serving me and helping me throughout this process. I have never LET them do this for me before. I knew I had great and amazing friends, but that is nothing compared to what they truly are. I have people trying to keep me busy and my mind preoccupied so I don't go crazy wondering when he will come back to me.
I have learned I have a great desire to serve people. I pray daily, several times a day asking who I can serve and how. It is amazing the opportunities I have. For me it may seem like a simple thing to do, to help someone, but for them it may be a big deal. Other times it may not be that big of a deal for them, but it is a huge deal for me. I love seeing their face when they have been helped. I don't want or expect praises from anyone. I want them to know they are loved, thought of, cared for, and they matter. Heavenly Father loves them and I am learning to love them as well. I now pray for opportunities to be the answer to someones prayer, in a way I can serve them. I do ask to know how I can be there for my best friend, and (hope) the man of my future. I want to know what I can do, how I can do it, what I can say, and how I can say it. I want to make sure he knows how I feel and that I am not going to "change" my mind and/or go away.
Since I have been praying and sincerely searching things out, I have had many great experiences. I have been happier than I have ever been. I have been told by my bishop I am not the same person I was even 2 weeks ago. I was told by a friend Jenny, I am a different person, someone she has never seen before. I exude happiness and not anger.
I have been listening to the Book of Mormon on my kindle. I listen to a chapter a night, sometimes more. It is amazing the things we can learn from it. Prayer is the biggest for me right now. Also, following the commandments. That is something I have struggled with but am trying to change. I want to be temple worthy and have a current temple recommend. That is my goal. I want to go to the temple on a regular basis and do the work for those that cannot do it for themselves. I want to partake of the sacrament each week.
I have even decided and asked to be a visiting teacher again. I have been so selfish for so long, I didn't even realize how selfish I was. I am working on that. It is hard, as I feel like serving others I am getting so much out of it that I am being selfish again. The difference I have learned, after talking to the bishop, is I am doing it for others, not for myself, however, it is inevitable I will be blessed because of it. My goal with my best friend, is to let him know how I feel and not only that, but show him how I feel. I want to be there for him, do things for him, make him smile and laugh. Let him know how it truly feels to have someone really love him and be in love with him. He deserves at least that, but so much more. If he will allow me the opportunity to show him these things and be with him, I will be the luckiest woman in the world.
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