This has been a very hard but very amazing journey. When I first started this journey I want to have the man I love decide he wanted to be with me. Don't get me wrong, I still want that, but over the last month, the desires I have, has changed.
I am not sure how or when exactly things changed. I went from being selfish to desiring the things my Father in Heaven wanted. I prayed that the man I love would come back to me. Now I pray that he will truly have the opportunity to hear the gospel. I have no doubt that he will accept it. There have been many things that I have done to help him have that opportunity.
One night about a month ago, I was sitting in my living room. I had this strong desire to pray. When I was done praying, I had this overwhelming feeling to call the temple and put his name on the prayer roll. I knew that the Logan Temple was closed. I knew I had the Billings Temple phone number in my phone. I called and left his and my name on the answering machine for the prayer roll. When I hung up, I remembered that the message said they would open on Tuesday. This was a Thursday night. I thought, ok, it can wait until Tuesday. Then I kept getting the thought, no call and get your names on the roll. I looked up lds.org and found the list of temples. The first US temple I came to was Anchorage Alaska. I called immediately and placed our names on the prayer roll. I instantly felt so much better. On the Sunday after, I talked to the bishop and told him of my experience. He said, you can put your names in as many temples as you want. He said his wife put their son's name in 9 temples. So on Monday I called more temples. There were a total of 15. I decided on Wednesday that I would call all the temples in the US. With some closed for maintenance, I called 63. I created a a spreadsheet so I know what temples I called and when. Later I added the maintenance schedule so I knew if I should called temples or not.
The first time I called all the temples, I called most earlier in the evening. (01/29/2015) After I got home from an activity I finished calling the temples. After calling one, I all of a sudden felt/had thoughts come in my mind, why are you doing this? You know it isn't real. It doesn't help anything. I stopped and and thought, what is going on. Of course it works, it matters, and it is real. I then called another temple. Before those thoughts came to me I felt fine and knew what I was doing was right. After those thoughts left and I called more temples, I felt better. I knew then that satan was trying to get me to stop doing things that Heavenly Father wanted me to do. Things I wanted to do to help the man I love and help myself so we could be closer to the Savior and Heavenly Father.
Then on Friday, (01/30/2015) I slept in as I was getting sick and wanted to prevent it from getting bad. I was laying on my side and half asleep and half awake. I felt like someone got on my bed. For a brief second I thought, is the man I love here? Then I immediately thought, what am I thinking, of course he's not here. I thought I imagined it. Then I felt it again, and I was scared. I didn't think I was going to be killed or harmed physically in any way. But I was scared. Then it felt like one hand was put on one side of me and the other hand put on the other side of me. I couldn't move or open my eyes. I am not sure how, but I knew whoever it was, was a male. Then he put his mouth near my ear. I couldn't understand what he was saying, but he was very, very angry. I prayed in my head and said, I'm not sure how to word it, but please make satan and his followers leave. The feeling and person went away. After a short time I was able to open my eyes and move. I was calm but still felt somewhat scared. I closed my eyes again and dozed off. Just before I got up, I had the scared sensation again for a split second. I prayed again that they would leave. They did. I got up and went to work.
I went and talked to my friend Jenn, while at work. I told her of my 2 experiences. As I was talking to her, I said, I know satan is angry with me because I am doing what I feel I need to and what I feel is right for the man I love. I know that if he has a true opportunity to learn of the gospel, he will accept it. He will accept it and be a great member and learn and grow. Without even thinking I also added, he will do family history and imagine how many people are on the other side waiting for him. I stopped talking and looked at Jenn and said, that is the first time I considered that. It was eye opening. I always knew that he is and would be an amazing man. He would be able to learn about his salvation and do something about it. Then when I had that moment of clarity, I knew that was something he would be so great at. He would be able to help hundreds and even thousands of people have the opportunity for salvation. I am not sure when, a few days or week later, I had that same clarity that he would be able to help his friends and their families accept the gospel and help with their salvation as well. That is why satan was so angry. I can see all the people he would be able to help and be there for.
Just before all of this happened, I showed up at his work and visited him. It was a weird visit. I knew he was glad to see me, but I think uncomfortable at the same time. We talked. He seemed fine but nothing big. I thought, well maybe he doesn't want to see me or spend any time with me anymore, as friends. As I was driving home I started praying. I was saying, why would I feel this way if it is wrong? I don't understand. I called Jenn and told her about my visit. She knew that going and visiting him was important to me and that I felt like I needed to, I had prayed about it several times. I told Jenn I knew he wasn't going to profess his undying love for me, but I had hoped it would go better than it had. Jenn said that it was important for me to go since I felt it was. The reason for me going was just different than I had thought. It was something that I may not know what that reason was. After hanging up I felt so much better. I know she is in tune with the Spirit and I know that Heavenly Father has put her in my life for so many reasons and this is one of them. She has been the best friend I need and want.
I have continually prayed and fasted for the man I love. I pray daily that he will have the true opportunity of the gospel in his life. I pray that he will feel the Spirit and remember when he felt it before and desire to have it with him.
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