First Mistake

At the beginning of May, I broke up with him.  I kept telling myself, it isn't right between us for long term.  I knew he was hurting.  I felt horrible.  We continued to stay friends.  We would text everyday.  After a few weeks, we even spent time together.  We continued to do this.  We would text daily and then see each other every few weeks.  I missed him, but I kept saying, I don't think it is right for long term.  (Oh how I was fooling myself and being so stupid).  I would even remind him that we were just friends, with some benefits. 

When he would come up, I looked forward to it, every time.  I would see his face and his smile and my heart would melt.  Some days he would be at home waiting for me to get off work.  I loved it.  I would get butterflies.  His hugs are great.  His has strong arms and gives big hugs.  His heart is so big.

We would sit on the couch and watch tv or a movie and were so comfortable with each other.  When my knee was bothering me he would have me put my leg across his lap and he would lightly massage my leg.  His touch was so gentle and soft.  He would hold my hand.  I love holding his hand.  I feel safe when I am with him.

He went with me to see my great aunt when she lived at an assisted living place.  I can't describe how special and important that was to me.  I love her and used to visit her when she was still living at home.  Then after she moved to the assisted living place, I went down and saw her as well.  One time he went with me.  It was the most amazing thing to have that support.   All I wanted to do was be with him and help him through whatever difficult times he had.  I wanted to share the laughs and good times.  If I could make him smile, that is all that mattered.  I want him happy and I want to do whatever I can to make him happy.

We went on like this for a year and a half.  I knew that I wouldn't be able to move on to anyone else.  I kept saying we weren't right for long term, but I didn't want to be with anyone else.

In October 2014, I noticed that I started to feel a change within me.  I didn't know what was going on.  So I kept plugging away at life and would see him every so often.  I wanted to see him more and more.  Then thinking back, even though I knew I was hurting him, which is not at all what I wanted to do, I wanted to be with him.  I did it by continuing to see him and be with him, but not commit.  I realized that the change within me actually started long before October.  

I fell in love with him after only a few months together.  I finally started to realize how I truly felt.  My feelings for him have not changed in the sense that I have loved him forever.  They have changed by the love growing and growing.  The more I was away from him, the more I wanted to see him and be with him.  His laugh and smile truly made me fall more and more in love with him.

In November, I received a blessing and in that blessing, I was told that I needed to open my heart.  I was confused because I figured my heart was already open.  I was still fooling myself and I didn't realize it. 

I should never have broke up with him.  That was the first HUGE mistake I made.  The second was not letting him know how I felt.  I was afraid.  So afraid.  I'm not good enough, he deserves better, he will change his mind.  I have people leave my life regularly, this has happened ever since I was a kid.  Why would he stay?  The longer he stays and the more he gets to know me, he will for sure leave.  So instead, I pushed him away.  He continued to stick by me and have faith in me.  What was wrong with me?  Why did I let the best man leave my life?

Realization

I met him from an online website in March 2012.  He wanted to meet me.  I was a bit surprised.  He seemed like a great guy, why would he want to meet me?  He knew what I looked like and we had chatted and he knew a tad of my personality.

When he first got to my place, I met him outside and he gave me a hug.  We went to dinner and then watched a movie.  We talked a lot.  It was nice.  After he left, he still wanted to see me again and get to know more about me.  What was he thinking?  Did he not know that guys aren't supposed to be interested in me?  Especially a guy like him?  So kind, patient, accepting, and understanding?

Over the next few months, we got to spend time together and talk a lot.  I had several times where I was scared and thought it was better to end the relationship.  He knew I was just scared so he stuck by me.  He is so patient.  He took me to my first rock concert :)  It was so fun.  Being with him and sharing that time.  I love his smile.  I was smiling and felt at peace.

Finally, I decided to overcome my fear and jump in.  I knew then that I wanted to be with him.  Oh how I wish I knew how to tell him that.  I did text him my ring size, lol.  We continued to date for months.

We got to spend Christmas together that year.  I went to his home, he lived with his family at the time.  They accepted me.  His sister became my friend instantly.  I got a long well with his mom.  Before I met her she couldn't remember my name and called me Mildred and Molly.  Hahahahahahaha. 

In February he came with me to see my family.  I was excited and nervous.  I wanted him to like my family.  I wanted my family to like him.  I already knew they would all like each other, after all I do know them all - lol.  It was a fun weekend.  I was so grateful he went with me.  Those hours of driving and just being with him was amazing.  He always could make me smile and laugh.

Love

Who knew I had feelings?  That is a question I have asked myself many times lately.  I have pushed my feelings and emotions down for so long, I did not think they would ever see the light of day.  Well, with the exception of anger that is.  Oh how I was wrong.  My heart has been opened.  I went from not feeling a lot, or what I thought was not a lot, to my heart bursting with love.

Over the last many, many years, I have taught and trained myself to not show emotion, feel anything positive, or give myself to others.  Oh how I have been wrong in doing so.  Feeling love and showing it, is the only thing that is important.  Life is so much better for not only me, but those around me.

I have finally found, and realized, I not only love a great man, but am IN love with him.  He has treated me so amazing, I cannot even describe it.  He treated me better than royalty.  As much as I pushed him away, because I wouldn't allow myself to feel (but I did feel, I just didn't know what to do with it) he was there.  He didn't give up on me.  I sadly, do not feel I deserve such a great man.  I did not know how to truly love and did not know how to show it.  Now that my heart is open, which I didn't think possible, I have finally done a great job of pushing him away.  He has opened something nobody else could even begin to do.  I joke that I don't have a heart or it is black, frozen, and encased in ice.

My feelings started coming out, that I noticed, in October.  I have always loved to spend time with him.  We get a long, tease, laugh, and now cry together.  He is truly the man I want to be with.

My heart swells with love and my smile grows bigger with the thought of him:
Coming home to me
Walking in the door
Holding my hand
Hugging me
Kissing me
Looking at me and smiling (I say what are you looking at, he smiles and says just you, you are beautiful)
Holding me

I then realized, everything is about me.  I don't want everything about me.  I have done so many things to push him away and didn't even realize it.  Oh how could I be so stupid.  The man I love is right there, and I do everything to push him away, because of fear.

I'm not good enough
My love doesn't matter
He could do so much better
He doesn't really want me

I don't want it all about me.  The things I want so much for him are:
To be happy
To smile
To feel unconditional love
To be held
To be safe
To come home to a safe and happy place
To be kissed from his love
To be told how he is handsome, cute, hot :)
To be made to feel he is special - oh he is so special
To be told how great of a man he is
To be allowed to show and share his love
To have his loves arms around him to comfort him
To feel wanted and desired
To know he is truly a Prince

My biggest desire, which I have never had or felt before, is to be with him.  To spend the rest of my life doing those things I want so much for him.  I want to make up for all the pain I have caused and then so much more.