Amazing

This has been a very hard but very amazing journey.  When I first started this journey I want to have the man I love decide he wanted to be with me.  Don't get me wrong, I still want that, but over the last month, the desires I have, has changed.

I am not sure how or when exactly things changed.  I went from being selfish to desiring the things my Father in Heaven wanted.  I prayed that the man I love would come back to me.  Now I pray that he will truly have the opportunity to hear the gospel.  I have no doubt that he will accept it.  There have been many things that I have done to help him have that opportunity.

One night about a month ago, I was sitting in my living room.  I had this strong desire to pray.  When I was done praying, I had this overwhelming feeling to call the temple and put his name on the prayer roll.  I knew that the Logan Temple was closed.  I knew I had the Billings Temple phone number in my phone.  I called and left his and my name on the answering machine for the prayer roll.  When I hung up, I remembered that the message said they would open on Tuesday.  This was a Thursday night.  I thought, ok, it can wait until Tuesday.  Then I kept getting the thought, no call and get your names on the roll.  I looked up lds.org and found the list of temples.  The first US temple I came to was Anchorage Alaska. I called immediately and placed our names on the prayer roll.  I instantly felt so much better.  On the Sunday after, I talked to the bishop and told him of my experience.  He said, you can put your names in as many temples as you want.  He said his wife put their son's name in 9 temples.  So on Monday I called more temples.  There were a total of 15.  I decided on Wednesday that I would call all the temples in the US.  With some closed for maintenance, I called 63.  I created a a spreadsheet so I know what temples I called and when.  Later I added the maintenance schedule so I knew if I should called temples or not. 
The first time I called all the temples, I called most earlier in the evening.  (01/29/2015) After I got home from an activity I finished calling the temples.  After calling one, I all of a sudden felt/had thoughts come in my mind, why are you doing this?  You know it isn't real.  It doesn't help anything.  I stopped and and thought, what is going on.  Of course it works, it matters, and it is real.  I then called another temple.  Before those thoughts came to me I felt fine and knew what I was doing was right.  After those thoughts left and I called more temples, I felt better.  I knew then that satan was trying to get me to stop doing things that Heavenly Father wanted me to do.  Things I wanted to do to help the man I love and help myself so we could be closer to the Savior and Heavenly Father. 

Then on Friday, (01/30/2015) I slept in as I was getting sick and wanted to prevent it from getting bad.  I was laying on my side and half asleep and half awake.  I felt like someone got on my bed.  For a brief second I thought, is the man I love here?  Then I immediately thought, what am I thinking, of course he's not here.  I thought I imagined it.  Then I felt it again, and I was scared.  I didn't think I was going to be killed or harmed physically in any way.  But I was scared.  Then it felt like one hand was put on one side of me and the other hand put on the other side of me.  I couldn't move or open my eyes.  I am not sure how, but I knew whoever it was, was a male.  Then he put his mouth near my ear.  I couldn't understand what he was saying, but he was very, very angry.  I prayed in my head and said, I'm not sure how to word it, but please make satan and his followers leave.  The feeling and person went away.  After a short time I was able to open my eyes and move.  I was calm but still felt somewhat scared.  I closed my eyes again and dozed off.  Just before I got up, I had the scared sensation again for a split second.  I prayed again that they would leave.  They did.  I got up and went to work. 

I went and talked to my friend Jenn, while at work.  I told her of my 2 experiences.  As I was talking to her, I said, I know satan is angry with me because I am doing what I feel I need to and what I feel is right for the man I love.  I know that if he has a true opportunity to learn of the gospel, he will accept it.  He will accept it and be a great member and learn and grow.  Without even thinking I also added, he will do family history and imagine how many people are on the other side waiting for him.  I stopped talking and looked at Jenn and said, that is the first time I considered that.  It was eye opening.  I always knew that he is and would be an amazing man.  He would be able to learn about his salvation and do something about it.  Then when I had that moment of clarity, I knew that was something he would be so great at.  He would be able to help hundreds and even thousands of people have the opportunity for salvation.  I am not sure when, a few days or week later, I had that same clarity that he would be able to help his friends and their families accept the gospel and help with their salvation as well.  That is why satan was so angry.  I can see all the people he would be able to help and be there for.

Just before all of this happened, I showed up at his work and visited him.  It was a weird visit.  I knew he was glad to see me, but I think uncomfortable at the same time.  We talked.  He seemed fine but nothing big.  I thought, well maybe he doesn't want to see me or spend any time with me anymore, as friends.  As I was driving home I started praying.  I was saying, why would I feel this way if it is wrong?  I don't understand.  I called Jenn and told her about my visit.  She knew that going and visiting him was important to me and that I felt like I needed to, I had prayed about it several times.  I told Jenn I knew he wasn't going to profess his undying love for me, but I had hoped it would go better than it had.  Jenn said that it was important for me to go since I felt it was.  The reason for me going was just different than I had thought.  It was something that I may not know what that reason was.  After hanging up I felt so much better.  I know she is in tune with the Spirit and I know that Heavenly Father has put her in my life for so many reasons and this is one of them.  She has been the best friend I need and want. 

I have continually prayed and fasted for the man I love.  I pray daily that he will have the true opportunity of the gospel in his life.  I pray that he will feel the Spirit and remember when he felt it before and desire to have it with him. 

Interesting

The last few weeks have been very interesting.  Extremely hard, but a huge learning opportunity. 

My heart was opened and I fully realized the love I have for an amazing man.  I knew I loved him and wanted to be with him, but I thought if it isn't right to be together, which I thought, then he should be with someone else.  I was so wrong.

I fasted and prayed a week and a half ago and said, I want to be with him and I want him to want to be with me.  I prayed to know if he was right for me.  I felt good.  When I was in church I prayed and asked again, and the joy I felt was almost overwhelming.  I couldn't believe how I felt.  It was so amazing.  I didn't trust myself though.  I met with the bishop and asked him about everything.  As soon as the prayer was over he said, I have this impression to tell you that you will be alright.  I was glad, but as he also stated, he didn't know what that meant as far as how things would turn out. 

During the week I went down and saw the most amazing guy for his lunch break.  I thought I would be there for half hour is all.  I ended up being there for almost 2 1/2 hours.  We talked and laughed.  I even followed him around at work.  It was amazing.  Just being with him was beyond great.  He gave me a hug that lasted.  I didn't want it to end.  Talking to him makes me smile.

As I reluctantly drove home, I prayed out loud the whole way.  Sharing my gratitude.  I even cried for the first time from pure joy and happiness.  I couldn't believe that.  After I got home we went on voxer for an hour and a half.  At one point he said he was glad I felt comfortable with him and could cry in front of him.  He said he liked to wipe away my tears.  My heart went even further in love with this man. 

Today he wasn't really talkative, via texting.  I asked if he was ok.  He said he was tired.  I wanted to make a bed for him and stroke his head as he fell asleep.  Put my arms around him so he knows how much he is loved.  

Right now I am trying so hard to have patience, faith, and hope.  I know things will work out.  I just don't know what that means.  I want so much to be the one that wipes his tears and holds him when he is sad and having a rough time.  I want to be there and put that amazing smile on his face.  Share all the amazing times together.  I want to hold him as he falls asleep. 

I have never felt so helpless and vulnerable as I do now.  Right now the only things I can do is pray (real hard), fast, be patient, have faith, and hope. 

I know he is the man for me and I know he has felt I am the woman for him.  I love him so much my heart breaks more and more the longer we are apart. 

Learn

The last couple of weeks have been an emotional roller coaster.  I went from being closed off emotionally, my heart closed, to having it open, very much open.  I thought something was wrong with me.  Why was I so emotional.  Literally crying a lot, daily.  I finally felt what it was like to truly be in love with someone.  I thought I already knew what that felt like, man was I wrong.  I told him how I felt and my thoughts all along.  We shall see what happens, it is still up in the air.  He has to learn to trust that I am not going away and that I truly do love him.  I learned, I love him so much, that if I have to let him go so he can be happy, I will.  (it won't be easy by any means).  I just know his happiness means that much to me.  Because of this not knowing, I went from being in love and an open heart, to being in love, an open heart, and heart broken (for now).  A VERY painful experience. 

I have prayed more than I ever have, will a sincere heart and real intent.  I have prayed for peace and comfort.  I have prayed to keep my heart open (I want to close it at times.  Sometimes it is all I can do to keep it open).  I know closing my heart will not be the best, it will put me back where I started and I don't want that.  I want to be a better person and love. 

I have learned and felt many things throughout this process:

faith
patience
service
kindness
love (for everyone)
Love from my Heavenly Father and the Savior
peace
comfort
better understanding
forgiveness (mostly of myself)

I have realized that I not only love an amazing man, but I love my family more than I thought possible.  They are always there for me.  They love me and serve me in so many ways.  I thought the love I had for them was real, true love.  It was, but only in a small capacity.  I love them more than I can describe.  I have a greater respect for my friends.  They have been serving me and helping me throughout this process.  I have never LET them do this for me before.  I knew I had great and amazing friends, but that is nothing compared to what they truly are.  I have people trying to keep me busy and my mind preoccupied so I don't go crazy wondering when he will come back to me.  

I have learned I have a great desire to serve people.  I pray daily, several times a day asking who I can serve and how.  It is amazing the opportunities I have.  For me it may seem like a simple thing to do, to help someone, but for them it may be a big deal.  Other times it may not be that big of a deal for them, but it is a huge deal for me.  I love seeing their face when they have been helped.  I don't want or expect praises from anyone.  I want them to know they are loved, thought of, cared for, and they matter.  Heavenly Father loves them and I am learning to love them as well.  I now pray for opportunities to be the answer to someones prayer, in a way I can serve them.  I do ask to know how I can be there for my best friend, and (hope) the man of my future.  I want to know what I can do, how I can do it, what I can say, and how I can say it.  I want to make sure he knows how I feel and that I am not going to "change" my mind and/or go away.  

Since I have been praying and sincerely searching things out, I have had many great experiences.  I have been happier than I have ever been.  I have been told by my bishop I am not the same person I was even 2 weeks ago.  I was told by a friend Jenny, I am a different person, someone she has never seen before.  I exude happiness and not anger. 

I have been listening to the Book of Mormon on my kindle.  I listen to a chapter a night, sometimes more.  It is amazing the things we can learn from it.  Prayer is the biggest for me right now.  Also, following the commandments.  That is something I have struggled with but am trying to change.  I want to be temple worthy and have a current temple recommend.  That is my goal.  I want to go to the temple on a regular basis and do the work for those that cannot do it for themselves.  I want to partake of the sacrament each week.  

I have even decided and asked to be a visiting teacher again.  I have been so selfish for so long, I didn't even realize how selfish I was.  I am working on that.  It is hard, as I feel like serving others I am getting so much out of it that I am being selfish again.  The difference I have learned, after talking to the bishop, is I am doing it for others, not for myself, however, it is inevitable I will be blessed because of it.  My goal with my best friend, is to let him know how I feel and not only that, but show him how I feel.  I want to be there for him, do things for him, make him smile and laugh.  Let him know how it truly feels to have someone really love him and be in love with him.  He deserves at least that, but so much more. If he will allow me the opportunity to show him these things and be with him, I will be the luckiest woman in the world.