Love

Who knew I had feelings?  That is a question I have asked myself many times lately.  I have pushed my feelings and emotions down for so long, I did not think they would ever see the light of day.  Well, with the exception of anger that is.  Oh how I was wrong.  My heart has been opened.  I went from not feeling a lot, or what I thought was not a lot, to my heart bursting with love.

Over the last many, many years, I have taught and trained myself to not show emotion, feel anything positive, or give myself to others.  Oh how I have been wrong in doing so.  Feeling love and showing it, is the only thing that is important.  Life is so much better for not only me, but those around me.

I have finally found, and realized, I not only love a great man, but am IN love with him.  He has treated me so amazing, I cannot even describe it.  He treated me better than royalty.  As much as I pushed him away, because I wouldn't allow myself to feel (but I did feel, I just didn't know what to do with it) he was there.  He didn't give up on me.  I sadly, do not feel I deserve such a great man.  I did not know how to truly love and did not know how to show it.  Now that my heart is open, which I didn't think possible, I have finally done a great job of pushing him away.  He has opened something nobody else could even begin to do.  I joke that I don't have a heart or it is black, frozen, and encased in ice.

My feelings started coming out, that I noticed, in October.  I have always loved to spend time with him.  We get a long, tease, laugh, and now cry together.  He is truly the man I want to be with.

My heart swells with love and my smile grows bigger with the thought of him:
Coming home to me
Walking in the door
Holding my hand
Hugging me
Kissing me
Looking at me and smiling (I say what are you looking at, he smiles and says just you, you are beautiful)
Holding me

I then realized, everything is about me.  I don't want everything about me.  I have done so many things to push him away and didn't even realize it.  Oh how could I be so stupid.  The man I love is right there, and I do everything to push him away, because of fear.

I'm not good enough
My love doesn't matter
He could do so much better
He doesn't really want me

I don't want it all about me.  The things I want so much for him are:
To be happy
To smile
To feel unconditional love
To be held
To be safe
To come home to a safe and happy place
To be kissed from his love
To be told how he is handsome, cute, hot :)
To be made to feel he is special - oh he is so special
To be told how great of a man he is
To be allowed to show and share his love
To have his loves arms around him to comfort him
To feel wanted and desired
To know he is truly a Prince

My biggest desire, which I have never had or felt before, is to be with him.  To spend the rest of my life doing those things I want so much for him.  I want to make up for all the pain I have caused and then so much more.