First Mistake

At the beginning of May, I broke up with him.  I kept telling myself, it isn't right between us for long term.  I knew he was hurting.  I felt horrible.  We continued to stay friends.  We would text everyday.  After a few weeks, we even spent time together.  We continued to do this.  We would text daily and then see each other every few weeks.  I missed him, but I kept saying, I don't think it is right for long term.  (Oh how I was fooling myself and being so stupid).  I would even remind him that we were just friends, with some benefits. 

When he would come up, I looked forward to it, every time.  I would see his face and his smile and my heart would melt.  Some days he would be at home waiting for me to get off work.  I loved it.  I would get butterflies.  His hugs are great.  His has strong arms and gives big hugs.  His heart is so big.

We would sit on the couch and watch tv or a movie and were so comfortable with each other.  When my knee was bothering me he would have me put my leg across his lap and he would lightly massage my leg.  His touch was so gentle and soft.  He would hold my hand.  I love holding his hand.  I feel safe when I am with him.

He went with me to see my great aunt when she lived at an assisted living place.  I can't describe how special and important that was to me.  I love her and used to visit her when she was still living at home.  Then after she moved to the assisted living place, I went down and saw her as well.  One time he went with me.  It was the most amazing thing to have that support.   All I wanted to do was be with him and help him through whatever difficult times he had.  I wanted to share the laughs and good times.  If I could make him smile, that is all that mattered.  I want him happy and I want to do whatever I can to make him happy.

We went on like this for a year and a half.  I knew that I wouldn't be able to move on to anyone else.  I kept saying we weren't right for long term, but I didn't want to be with anyone else.

In October 2014, I noticed that I started to feel a change within me.  I didn't know what was going on.  So I kept plugging away at life and would see him every so often.  I wanted to see him more and more.  Then thinking back, even though I knew I was hurting him, which is not at all what I wanted to do, I wanted to be with him.  I did it by continuing to see him and be with him, but not commit.  I realized that the change within me actually started long before October.  

I fell in love with him after only a few months together.  I finally started to realize how I truly felt.  My feelings for him have not changed in the sense that I have loved him forever.  They have changed by the love growing and growing.  The more I was away from him, the more I wanted to see him and be with him.  His laugh and smile truly made me fall more and more in love with him.

In November, I received a blessing and in that blessing, I was told that I needed to open my heart.  I was confused because I figured my heart was already open.  I was still fooling myself and I didn't realize it. 

I should never have broke up with him.  That was the first HUGE mistake I made.  The second was not letting him know how I felt.  I was afraid.  So afraid.  I'm not good enough, he deserves better, he will change his mind.  I have people leave my life regularly, this has happened ever since I was a kid.  Why would he stay?  The longer he stays and the more he gets to know me, he will for sure leave.  So instead, I pushed him away.  He continued to stick by me and have faith in me.  What was wrong with me?  Why did I let the best man leave my life?