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The last couple of weeks have been an emotional roller coaster.  I went from being closed off emotionally, my heart closed, to having it open, very much open.  I thought something was wrong with me.  Why was I so emotional.  Literally crying a lot, daily.  I finally felt what it was like to truly be in love with someone.  I thought I already knew what that felt like, man was I wrong.  I told him how I felt and my thoughts all along.  We shall see what happens, it is still up in the air.  He has to learn to trust that I am not going away and that I truly do love him.  I learned, I love him so much, that if I have to let him go so he can be happy, I will.  (it won't be easy by any means).  I just know his happiness means that much to me.  Because of this not knowing, I went from being in love and an open heart, to being in love, an open heart, and heart broken (for now).  A VERY painful experience. 

I have prayed more than I ever have, will a sincere heart and real intent.  I have prayed for peace and comfort.  I have prayed to keep my heart open (I want to close it at times.  Sometimes it is all I can do to keep it open).  I know closing my heart will not be the best, it will put me back where I started and I don't want that.  I want to be a better person and love. 

I have learned and felt many things throughout this process:

faith
patience
service
kindness
love (for everyone)
Love from my Heavenly Father and the Savior
peace
comfort
better understanding
forgiveness (mostly of myself)

I have realized that I not only love an amazing man, but I love my family more than I thought possible.  They are always there for me.  They love me and serve me in so many ways.  I thought the love I had for them was real, true love.  It was, but only in a small capacity.  I love them more than I can describe.  I have a greater respect for my friends.  They have been serving me and helping me throughout this process.  I have never LET them do this for me before.  I knew I had great and amazing friends, but that is nothing compared to what they truly are.  I have people trying to keep me busy and my mind preoccupied so I don't go crazy wondering when he will come back to me.  

I have learned I have a great desire to serve people.  I pray daily, several times a day asking who I can serve and how.  It is amazing the opportunities I have.  For me it may seem like a simple thing to do, to help someone, but for them it may be a big deal.  Other times it may not be that big of a deal for them, but it is a huge deal for me.  I love seeing their face when they have been helped.  I don't want or expect praises from anyone.  I want them to know they are loved, thought of, cared for, and they matter.  Heavenly Father loves them and I am learning to love them as well.  I now pray for opportunities to be the answer to someones prayer, in a way I can serve them.  I do ask to know how I can be there for my best friend, and (hope) the man of my future.  I want to know what I can do, how I can do it, what I can say, and how I can say it.  I want to make sure he knows how I feel and that I am not going to "change" my mind and/or go away.  

Since I have been praying and sincerely searching things out, I have had many great experiences.  I have been happier than I have ever been.  I have been told by my bishop I am not the same person I was even 2 weeks ago.  I was told by a friend Jenny, I am a different person, someone she has never seen before.  I exude happiness and not anger. 

I have been listening to the Book of Mormon on my kindle.  I listen to a chapter a night, sometimes more.  It is amazing the things we can learn from it.  Prayer is the biggest for me right now.  Also, following the commandments.  That is something I have struggled with but am trying to change.  I want to be temple worthy and have a current temple recommend.  That is my goal.  I want to go to the temple on a regular basis and do the work for those that cannot do it for themselves.  I want to partake of the sacrament each week.  

I have even decided and asked to be a visiting teacher again.  I have been so selfish for so long, I didn't even realize how selfish I was.  I am working on that.  It is hard, as I feel like serving others I am getting so much out of it that I am being selfish again.  The difference I have learned, after talking to the bishop, is I am doing it for others, not for myself, however, it is inevitable I will be blessed because of it.  My goal with my best friend, is to let him know how I feel and not only that, but show him how I feel.  I want to be there for him, do things for him, make him smile and laugh.  Let him know how it truly feels to have someone really love him and be in love with him.  He deserves at least that, but so much more. If he will allow me the opportunity to show him these things and be with him, I will be the luckiest woman in the world.